The Blended Family Continues...As Grandparents

On November 14, 2008, my first biological grandbaby, Samara Nicole, was born. What a blessing to experience the arrival of my children’s children.

I prefaced grandbaby with “biological” because I’ve been a stepgrandmother for a few years. My first grandchild came into the family at three years old as the custodial son of my biological son’s wife. Last year, my second grandchild entered the scene when my husband’s biological son fathered a cutie-pie daughter. And now Samara; the first biological child of my second-born son. Confusing? I know. The adjectives — biological, step, custodial — help to complicate the perpetuate cycle of challenges that come with stepfamilies.

Call me naïve, but I had hoped that the stepfamily drama would cease, or at least diminish, when our children became adults. However, with the onset of grandchildren, unresolved matters have resurfaced. We struggle with financial and emotional equitability into the second generation, grandparent visitation rights and yes, discipline. Even as Meme — I’m way too young for Granny, Nana or Grandma — I expect children to be well behaved and respectful.

As I reflected upon ways to avert the pending chaos, I recalled Nothing New Under the Sun, a short story by Dr. Vivi Monroe Congress in the book, Blended Families An Anthology. She wrote about the ongoing challenges of stepfamilies from biblical days to the present. A portion of her story is below:

Blending a family is a bit more complicated than a mathematical elucidation of yours + mine = ours. No, it’s way more than that. Blending is God’s way of enriching and enlarging your life by filling it with others who complement the work that He’s doing in and will perform through you. The word blend means to mix, merge or combine in a manner such that two or more separate sources become indistinguishable and void of obvious transitions and/or [former] boundaries. This definition is valid and sounds good, but in a quixotic sort of way. When blending a family with the intent to create a new, cooperative unit, you cannot afford to blend in such a restrictive, defined sense, especially not early on — if at all.

Each person’s role and place in the family is distinctive and by divine design. No one’s individual qualities should ever be sacrificed or tolerated, but respected and celebrated unless, of course, it proves detrimental to the family unit as a whole.
Keep in mind, God accepts each of us into His family just as we are. Though He loves us all equally, He is still willing to love and appreciate us individually and work with us on those traits (behavioral and otherwise) that need polishing.

“However, what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 1:9 (Holman Christian Standard)
Biblically speaking, even the blending of families is nothing new. Sarah, Abraham and

Hagar; Elkinah, Hannah and Peninnah; Jesus, Mary and Joseph are all examples of stepfamilies.

God’s Design and Plan for Family
If the truth were revealed, every earthly mother and father is a stepparent, filling in for the Lord, ministering to a little soul assigned to their care. God views marriage as a covenant and that family is an extension, a blessing of that covenant. But simply because the covenant of family is of God, do not assume that it is never subject to challenge or that it won’t experience the storms of life.

In life and in families, challenges will come, but hidden blessings come along with them. Some of life’s best lessons arrive through seasonal trials. Know that you’ll probably encounter issues ranging from extra bathroom time to money matters. But in a society where one in three Americans is either a stepchild, stepparent or stepsibling and at least one-third of all children are expected to live in a stepfamily before age eighteen, learning how to effectively communicate early can sidestep more serious headaches down the road.

My suggestions include:

• Create a calendar just for family discussions.
• Allow all members an opportunity to respectfully express themselves without reservation. Establish a platform that invites opinions and the participation of each family member in the founding of rules and schedules, as well as recognition and appreciation for individual accomplishments.
• Adjustment issues must be expected, but parents should always present a unified front, especially since they are the reason for the blending. In matters pertaining to one another’s children, particularly when the news is not good (to the ears of the child, that is), allow the biological parent, with the stepparent present, to deliver the news. This approach diminishes the good guy/bad guy perception and exemplifies your support of one another.
• Allow your family to be the fragrance of Christ to God (II Corinthians 2:15) through a consistent and sincere prayer life. Let your family members hear you call each of them by name as you request God’s favor on their lives.

Whether you’re pondering, preparing for or positioned in a stepfamily, I pray that your heart overflow with joy; a joy that comes from peace; a peace that comes from knowing Him and may knowing Him bring you the wisdom and understanding to guide you and your family always.

Copyright 2008 Valerie L. Coleman

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Valerie L. Coleman is the author of Blended Families An Anthology — a real-life account of stepfamily dynamics...Because we are not the Brady Bunch! Penofthewriter.com