Testing Her Charms:
What to do When Your Daughter Starts to Flirt
By Randall Bonser

My nine year-old daughter has never been what you’d call “cuddly” or “affectionate.” She’s athletic, energetic, social and too busy for lots of emotion. But this year she’s become suddenly affectionate, to the point of flirtatiousness.

It brings to mind some advice a friend of mine gave me before I was even married. His daughter was a little younger at the time. He said, “Girls flirt with their dads as they start to become young women. They do it to practice their charms.” My friend also said he tried to let his daughters (he has four of them) know that their flirting was very effective.

At the time, I just thought he was weird. But thank God the advice stuck in my dull brain somewhere because it’s happening with my daughter just like he said. After talking with a few friends of mine who’ve raised daughters, I’ve come up with three goals for myself to help her develop a proper love life.

I’m going to:

• Let her know her charms are working.
• Let her see my affection for my wife.
• Let her stay a child for a minute longer.

Charm = Power
She needs to know that her charms are effective. Not only will this help her self-image because she’ll trust her own beauty, but she will begin to understand the power of attraction. I want her to understand that she has a power over men, and to use it with wisdom. As I respond to her in a non-threatening way, she’ll begin to understand how the world works.

Monkey See, Monkey Do
I also know that my relationship with my wife is the single most powerful example my daughter has for her own relationships. I shudder when I think of the example some girls have, as their Mom runs from relationship to relationship; guys trooping through the house like some kind of sexual cafeteria. That kind of example is not going to teach loyalty, faithfulness or commitment.

I am openly affectionate with my wife and let the kids know often how much I appreciate her. I want my daughter to want the same kind of man – a giver who finds his life in Christ and shares it with others – not someone who’s going to use her to fulfill his own appetites.

Drinking from the Right Well
And lastly, I want to let her flirt with me so that she doesn’t feel like she has to get affection from someone her own age. She’s still a child, and her primary source of affection is from her Mom and me. If I provide that love and affection, she’s not going to go out and grow up too quickly by pursuing other kinds of affection too soon.

I’m kind of sad that my baby is growing up, but I’m proud of the young woman she’s becoming. I pray often that I can provide the right kind of example to her, and that she’ll always seek affection in the right places, like she is doing right now in her sweet, childlike, flirtatious way.

Copyright © 2008 by Randall Bonser. All Rights Reserved.

About Randy...

Contact Randy at rbwrite@charter.net