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Coming Home for the Holidays 101: A Lesson for Your College Student and You
by Casey Curry
As much as I miss my two daughters who are away in school, I enter the Holiday season with my eyes wide open. Three years ago when I was a novice at this I fantasized for months about having everyone all together under one roof roasting chestnuts on an open fire and enjoying warm cider with the smell of something homemade providing the aromatic backdrop that is the holidays. Now I know better.
The Fantasy
The fantasy for the college student is that no matter how long she's been away or how far away she's been, when she comes home everything will fall into place and it will be as if time stood still. The fantasy is that she can indeed go home again. It will be as if she has never left. Nothing will have changed at home and nothing will have changed with her. For after all “there is no place like home”.
Somehow there is a notion that even if she brings home a roommate – or to Dad’s chagrin – a boyfriend for the holiday, that all will be one big happy family and that everyone will like each other, be on the same schedule and of the same mindset. As parents, we expectat are that she will pick up where she left off and assume the responsibility for the same chores--that she will want to jump right back in there and walk the dog, do the dishes and/or fold laundry.
Somehow we as parents expect our children to have all of these new experiences and yet to be unchanged by them. We know that we will make their favorite meal for supper because we remember how the just love our lemon pepper chicken with garlic green beans.
The Reality
Except we didn’t factor in that now they have new favorites. They just love the vegetarian humus wrap they serve in the “café” and they only eat organic green beans and free range chicken now. This is an unexpected healthy turn. Which brings us to reality right away. A wise older woman once told me that “house guest are like fish. After a few days just hanging around, they start to stink” Believe me, your beloved offspring is no exception. They have changed in so many ways, some positive and perhaps some not so positive.
The reality is that after the first few hugs and kisses and kitchen talks that catch everybody up on everything….they may very well sleep until noon and not want to lift a finger with chores. The family rhythm has not included them and shifting to make room for them may not come as naturally as you thought. They may listen to their music loudly, be online 24 hours a day and watch TV late into the night. They may be as interested in talking on the phone to their friends as talking to you. Surprise! They have a new routine as well.
There may be dirty laundry and the friends that they were just dying to meet could be creepy and inconsiderate. No matter. It seems to work out, with patience, love and realistic expectations. A sense of humor helps too.
Happy Home for the Holidays
What we know is that we love our children and they love us. If we allow this to be our mantra and remember it now matter what, things go much smoother. Next, it is vital to understand that everybody in the equation has changed. The family members who stayed at home and the students, military or others who moved away. Reunions can be fun if we focus on the big picture and ask ourselves about each annoyance and infraction; will this matter next week, next month, and next year? The answer is probably that it won’t.
Ask a Few Questions
Assume nothing. Last year’s favorite color, food and or friend may have all changed. Life is fluid and it may be a good idea to ask questions to help prepare for a great homecoming. What are some of the things you are wanting to eat these days? Any new favorites? Tell me a little about this friend who’ll be joining us? Is there something you really want to get accomplished on this visit? Somewhere you’d like to go, someone you’d like us to invite over?
These kinds of questions may come naturally when you are having guests but not when your children are coming home. But with these simple strategies you won’t have to count the days ‘till your darling daughter or son boards the return flight. Instead, you can really enjoy and get reacquainted during this Holiday Season!
Copyright © 2007 Casey Curry
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